Kaliførnia dreamin’
by Mick Rhodes | editor@claremont-courier.com
It did my heart good to see some 60 dissenters turn up Monday at Shelton Park as part of the nationwide “Not my Presidents Day” rally, the first in what I imagine will be a long line of protests over the next 1,428 days.
It’s hard to believe we’ve only been in “Trump v2: The Destructor” mode for a month. The administration’s “flood the zone” at “muzzle velocity” ethos has succeeded: we’re overwhelmed by manners both trivial and chillingly consequential.
Amid the chaos, once again the Golden State finds itself at the forefront of the resistance. I can hear the movie trailer now: “In a world governed by lawlessness, one state stands up for the Constitution, decency, and fair play: California.” I’d see that movie.
Kidding aside, if ever there were a state best positioned to resist the Trump administration, it’s California. Famously, we are the fifth largest economy in the world, with a nominal GDP of nearly $3.9 trillion in 2023. Per capita, the Golden State is the second largest economy in the world. We’re a productive, creative bunch.
With that kind of outsized productivity and economic firepower, perhaps we ought to consider that recent $1 trillion purchase offer from kindly Denmark.
Denmark knows we’re a prize, even if Washington treats us like dirt. And, considering our current management — a self-appointed king consolidating power in the executive branch, disdain and distrust for science, education, history, the media, and general contempt for anyone who isn’t a rich white male — I for one vote to approve the sale. Let’s be Danish!
Imagine being taken into the loving arms of the peace-loving Nordic country, with its notoriously happy populace, free universal healthcare, cool furniture, and refreshingly unpolarized politics.
“Denmark has the highest public satisfaction with health care, reflecting the value placed on accessibility of primary care.” This is according to the U.S. National Institute of Health, not some Danish visitor’s bureau shilling for American tourist dollars.
And, its 6 million residents are happy as all get-out, ranking second in the world (like-minded neighbor Finland tops the list) in overall happiness, according to the 2024 World Happiness Report. (The U.S. ranks 23rd.)
Apparently there’s something to all that free healthcare and contentment, because the average Dane lives to 81.69 years, and rising. Americans? 77.5, according to those commies at the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Yep, becoming Danish could add more than four years to our soon-to-be happier lives. Skål!
This could also be why Danes don’t seem to want to kill each other as much as we Americans do. Californians in particular have a bit of a murder problem, with 2,206 homicides in 2022, translating to 5.7 per 100,000 people. The entire country of Denmark saw 55 homicides in 2022, just shy of 1 per 100,000 people. They’re just less murdery over there.
If we’re to be accepted into the Danish Realm, we’ll clearly need to lean into our newly acquired public mental health services to curb our American bloodlust.
America’s breadbasket is conveniently located right down the center of Denmark’s soon-to-be most high-profile province, Kaliførnia. Our Danish overlords would be in the driver’s seat should they choose to export food to the U.S. I’m betting they’ll stick it to those arrogant new unelected “efficiency experts” in Washington D.C., politely of course, due to their Scandinavian-ness.
Our newfound European-ness will no doubt annoy the U.S.’s infant-in-chief. Too bad, so sad. Perhaps some tariffs on our number one export, almonds, are in order, Denmark? We export a whole lot of wine and grapes too. Just think about it …
And it’s certainly a delicious coincidence that our soon-to-be benevolent ruler is named King Fredrik X. (Yes, Denmark is ruled by one of the longest-running monarchies in the world at more than 1,100 years old.) Denmark’s 56-year-old actual king is the 10th King Fredrik in the royal Danish family tree. X (formerly Twitter) is also the underperformingjewel in the economic crown of the U.S.’s unelected oligarch in training, Elon Musk, and believe it or not, it’s also the first name of his headline-grabbing young son, X Æ A-Xii (pronounced “X Ash A Twelve”).
Speaking of X Æ A-Xii, he may just be the only person close to the White House who has stood up to Trump since … forever. Some news outlets have reported that during his dad’s bizarre 30-minute February 11 “news conference,” the kid turned to Trump and said, “You’re not the president and you need to go away,” and “Shut your mouth.” If true, he’s my favorite 4-year-old of all time. Give that kid a Nobel.
It’ll be a lot easier to laugh about all this tawdry weirdness once we’re Danish.
Food might be a bit of an adjustment. We’ll turn them on to tacos and California rolls, but we’re going to have to keep an open mind about smørrebrød and frikadeller. As an aside, I was disappointed to learn the Danes did not invent their namesake pastry. That would be French baker Claudius Gelee, who stumbled onto the world-changing discovery some 380 years ago. It’s sorta like how the Ceasar salad was invented in Tijuana, not Rome. That’s cool Denmark: apparently we didn’t invent the California roll either.
Our future owners also have a grand tradition of prioritizing the environment and addressing climate change, like California, and in fact are the top rated country in the world in that regard. Same-same!
As anyone who has driven north on the 5 Freeway between Los Angeles and Sacramento will attest, there will be naysayers to our dream of Danishness. These folks in our middle strip grow much of our food, and much of the rest of the continental U.S.’s too. To them I say this: the 6 million Danes really like almonds.
However, a little digging turns up this possible deal breaker from the Danish Agricultural Agency: “The Environment division contributes to the protection of the Danish water supply by ensuring that farmers and owners of nurseries and woodlands only use the permitted volumes of fertiliser in order to prevent leaching of nitrogen into our groundwater, lakes and fjords.” Dang, the fjords too.
We might have to give this one a tænke.
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Loved my Christmas vacation to Copenhagen. Only drawback was the short days. Sure would love a Danish passport, and we wouldn’t have to leave.CA.